i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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