How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
