so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
