the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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