I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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