exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
