You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Ladies don't puke and tell
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
