holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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