I skipped work to stalk him.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
