His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
