I like to think it a success when the cops are called
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
