I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
