My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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