I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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