i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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