I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
