I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
