Redeem this text for a blowjob
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
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