Who wears a wallet chain?!
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
