I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
