Where is the hickey?
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
