This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
