i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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