i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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