Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
