Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
