if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
