I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
