I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm sobbing to NWA
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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