Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
