When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
It's shark week go big or go home
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
