There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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