Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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