When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
