in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
