Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
