oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
