Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
