I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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