bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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