we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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