just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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