Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
