i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
