I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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