also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
