I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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