I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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