I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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