i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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