Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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