Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
