So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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