My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
