How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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