Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
