I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
