I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
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Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
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When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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